Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
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Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
rapatouille
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
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The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.