Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
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Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore