A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
You Might Also Like
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”