Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
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me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.