I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
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[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…