If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
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16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”