Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
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I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
What the hell happened in there??
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Just as the prophecy foretold
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no