Not muting your mic is the new reply all
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My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?