How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
You Might Also Like
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Mornin
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD