Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
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When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.