[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
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I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Pretty much! 😂👀
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.