We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
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me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?