ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
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I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
No, YOUR illiterate.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.