My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
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Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?