Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
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The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
just make the entire table out of coaster
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”