Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
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Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.