Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
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How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?