Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
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At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind