I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
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Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
A dad and his duck
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
The French cow says MEUX…
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?