Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
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People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
haha same
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
No, YOUR illiterate.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.