There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
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“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.