Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
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When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!