Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
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Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no