what it’s like dating me:
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Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.