Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
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Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
My life in a nutshell
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE