Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
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I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack