#Caturday
Thick as shit.
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Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive