I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
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My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
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Just take a day off
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”