Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
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“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer