“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle