I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
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*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Me irl
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken