The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
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“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.