Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
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I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
me opening up to someone
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.