The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
You Might Also Like
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain