3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
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do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
#dnd #ttrpg
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.