People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
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My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Every. Damn. Time.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things