13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
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Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!