next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
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My doctor says I only have one diabete.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
me and the Superbowl rn
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?