You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
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[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally