(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
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hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Good morning
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
road rage
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
crying
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that