My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
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Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same