when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
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Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right