Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
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Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I found your tweet-up…
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this