Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
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[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”