[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
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What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Flowers bee like
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no