You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
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Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Mission: Impossible
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
So sick of all these stupid rules
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.