I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
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My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.