My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
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I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
oh u like history? name everything that happened
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.