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I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?