BETRAYAL
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Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
it’s finally my moment to shine
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.